Sunday, October 25, 2009


I had my surgery, and I feel even better than I did before the surgery! There is a downfall to all this, though. Now I want to do things. I want to jump and prance in the yard, climb stairs, work on projects...but alas, I cannot. I am not allowed to lift anything, and I mean, absolutely nothing! So I sit on the couch and stare at the television and watched 3 movies today and drew and did crossword puzzles and ate. You may think this sounds like the life you've always wanted, but after a few hours, it becomes horribly boring and you just want to talk to someone or do something.

But I know that if I disobey the doctor, then I will have to have a much more drastic and life-altering surgery, and so, I will lay on the couch all day for as long as the doctor orders. We won't know for 6 more weeks if this one worked. Please pray for the best. I'm really very tired of having surgeries for a while.

I know I sometimes am very pessimistic. I apologize for this. My husband was actually the one to inform me that I was a pessimist. I called my mom the next day, because I found this all terribly perturbing. "I used to be an optimist, just happy, happy, happy all the time," I told her. "What happened to me? Why am I always looking at the worst case scenario?" And Mom, being the wise woman she is, told me that we all become a little more pessimistic over time because we've lived more. We've had to endure more hardships and know what realities are out there. I started to think more and more about this.

I constantly (and I do mean constantly) worry about the well-being of my family, especially now that the kids are driving and I don't live at home and feel like I can't protect them, not that I ever did before. I think it all started when we found out Rachel had leukemia. I felt like I was totally helpless, but I wanted to protect my family from anything preventable, even if I couldn't protect Rachel from the leukemia. It was as if I never thought my family could ever be harmed, and then one day they fell prey to this awful cancer and I realized that we weren't invincible.

I got married, had no money for a while, had a surgery, got better, had another surgery, and another, and some things didn't pan out the way I thought they would. But I'm married to the most amazing man in the whole world so none of that really matters now.

So now I'm a pessimist. But I want to be an optimist. Will you help me? What do you do to stay optimistic. Some people are just born optimists, but I think we can also teach ourselves to be that way.

By the way, kudos and many thanks to my mom for coming over to baby me yesterday and clean my house; my mother-in-law for the meals; my friend Katie for visiting; and my friend Melissa (all the way from Kentucky) for the visit and flowers. You guys are all awesome! And thanks to everyone for the many prayers and well wishes!

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